


What Could Have Been

by FernStone



Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Also kinda TV canon for the first book sections, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Drama, Arguing, Bittersweet, Book Spoilers, Canon - Book, Family, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fights, Gen, TAS Spoilers & Canon Divergence, the amber spyglass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22218652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FernStone/pseuds/FernStone
Summary: She would never forgive him.It didn't matter how noble his aim or how much she agreed with it. It didn't matter if he tried to make amends, or how much she knew he'd tried to protect her. She would never join him and she would never forgive him.No one could ask her to. Not even Will.
Relationships: Lord Asriel & Lyra Belacqua, Lyra Belacqua & Will Parry
Comments: 7
Kudos: 44





	What Could Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write angst basically xD idk it was an idea I had and badly executed? I'm literally reading Amber Spyglass rn but did I characterise them right? Nope. Also this hurted to write. Cause trying to show Asriel's conflict of goal vs wanting to protect Lyra, and esp from Lyra's POV and y'know she v much doesn't like Asriel in TAS. I'm a big big dadriel fan so this was a rough one eek.
> 
> ALSO DONT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE AMBER SPYGLASS! it's Canon divergence for it but also technically spoilers? So yeah enjoy if you have xD
> 
> Again this hurt sm to write as a Dadriel fan. Also idk how in character it is? I just went with it and wrote it all in one late night sitting (though I edited for once whoa)

Lyra seethed, blazing anger unsuppressed even as Will's hand snaked into hers. The slight squeeze of his calloused fingers against hers was comforting but did nothing to remove the rage coursing through her veins. Pan stalked beside her as a lion, teeth bared and chest puffed out to seem bigger than he was.

They were going, unwillingly, towards the last person Lyra ever wanted to see. They had thought to escape and complete their own personal task but fate had other plans.

Perhaps it was not fate. But it had seemed like it when they were easily subdued by the Gallivespians. They had managed to fix the subtle knife but not gotten away before both had their poisonous heels at Lyra and Pan’s throats, forcing Will to surrender. Now the knife was carried by one of the guards leading them up and up the winding staircase of an adamantium tower.

"Don't do anything stupid," Will whispered into her ear, even as he gave her hand another gentle squeeze.

She just snorted. "They want us alive, I can do whatever I want."

She ignored the protests in his dark eyes and on his lips as they were announced and led in. He couldn't expect her to keep silent in front of him. Not after everything he’d done. Not after they had been forced here when she should've been saving the very person he'd killed.  
The person she'd led to his death. The best friend she would never see again.

Her glare was intense at the man she'd cut all ties with long ago. They were shown to seats around a round table clearly used for planning, courteously as if they weren't prisoners.

Lord Asriel didn't even look affected by the sight of her after so long. His gaze upon her was even and cold, as if she was merely another subject of his. As if she meant nothing more than a way to get to the user of the Subtle Knife. Of course, she knew she hardly even meant that to him. She suppressed the hope that had flared in her chest. She wouldn't hold any hope over such a wretched man. Not after all he’d done. Not like before.

His eyes turned to Will with a polite smile, teeth bared in that slightly predatory manner she should've noticed when she last saw him. The look of a wolf about to eat its prey. About to use someone for his own gain. She would never allow him to do that again. She didn't care if what his goal was righteous and noble. She agreed with the goal, the aim to kill the authority, but not the twisted means through which he went about it.

After watching Will for a while Lord Asriel sent away the other men, Knife transfered over to his person. Pan bared his teeth, preparing to leap for it as Lyra did the same, only to be stopped by Will's hand in hers. She didn't need to look at him to know he didn't want her to go for it.  
Pan crept back to her side, jumping into her lap as a slightly less fierce wildcat. His eyes never left where Stelmaria slunk at Lord Asriel's feet.

"I am glad made it safely," Asriel cleared his throat, no longer attempting a smile on his severe face. "I hope you have been treated well and with courtesy. We need you to join our cause. I am to believe you are the bearer of the Knife that can cut through anything?"

Lyra snorted. As if they'd be here if Will wasn't.

"I am, sir," Will responded, glancing sharply at Lyra to prevent her from blurting anything out. She kept her mouth shut for him. "My name is Will Parry. I'd like to know why we're here? Nobody has told us why we're so important."

"Our war is with the Authority himself and it is not so easy to kill a god. There is only one blade that can do that and only one such person who wields it. That person is you."

Will nodded, expression blank. "That's all well and good, but you haven't exactly shown us any goodwill. We're not here at your whim to just join your army as you please."

Lord Asriel showed a flash of teeth, danger exuding from him as Stelmaria stood alert. Will easily ignored it but it riled Lyra up. How dare he consider threatening them.

Everything about this was so wrong. Even the way he was talking, both as if they were on his side but missing half the facts. There was a normal bluntness to it, sure, but she was certain he was holding things back from them. He needed them on his side but she didn't think for one second he was going to trust them.

Lord Asriel trusted no one after all.

Lyra didn't want him to, anyway.

"I'd like to consider what you've told me," Will was speaking, remaining as diplomatic as she'd come to expect, when she tuned back in.

Lord Asriel nodded. "I will have someone show you to your quarters. Please make yourself at home."

Lyra stood with him, already formulating plans in her mind to get the knife back so they could escape. She noted the bed in the room, suggesting Lord Asriel slept at the top of the tower itself. He would keep the knife on him at all times. But even he had to sleep. There would be some way to get it off him and get away.

"Not you, Lyra."

She spun around to glare at him, scowl darkening her features. "Why not?"

"I wish to speak with you."

"I have nothing to say to you," she spat, only angered further by his lack of reaction.

Will placed a hand on her shoulder and whispered in her ear, "stay. Perhaps you can find out more for us."

Her shoulders relaxed just a fraction at the contact and she inclined her head towards him. The last thing she wanted was more time in the presence of Lord Asriel, a man she hated from the bottom of her heart. But she would do it for Will.

She didn't sit back down once he'd left.

"I have Marisa, your mother, held captive," Lord Asriel drawled out after holding her intense gaze in silence, a smirk settling on his lips.

"Are you expecting a thank you?" she bit out, hand gripped in Pan's fur to steady herself as he bared his teeth. "I e'nt giving you one. I hate you even more than her. You really are made for each other."

Lord Asriel merely raised an eyebrow. "I am not the one who kidnapped you and kept you in a drugged sleep for weeks."

"Don't start," Lyra hissed, resisting the urge to stalk over and jab a finger at him. She didn't want to get any closer. "At least she held some form of love for me, however twisted. You don't care about anything but your lofty goal and the pride you'll get from completing it."

"Lyra," he warned, as if it meant anything to her. There was a hint of something else in there. Desperation? Hurt? She didn’t care. It wasn’t like he had concern for sentimentality anyway. "Surely you must see how important this cause is. I am going to free everyone and create a new Republic of heaven, where no one has to live in fear of oppression. You could join me and complete it at my side."

"The chance of me joining you was lost when you killed Roger." Her fist clenched. Of course he would change the subject so quickly, away from his lack of caring and right onto his work. Just like he always did.

"In every war there are sacrifices. He was not the only one nor will he be the last. But you have to understand, Lyra, that I never wanted anyone to die if it could be helped. You can help prevent so much bloodshed. We can end this sooner, with much less lives lost, with you and the knife bearer by our side."

"His name is Will," Lyra snarled, echoed by Pan's low growl. "And I will not give my loyalty to something built on the blood of the innocent and lead by a man who will kill to get his way!"

Lord Asriel shook his head in disappointment even as he looked away so she could properly read his expression. Whatever it was quickly covered by a sardonic mask. Pain shot through Lyra's heart even as she tried to suppress it. Even now she still wanted his to be proud of her. Some part desperately wanted to be acknowledged. A part she'd tried to ignore for hatred. A part that told her he'd never been that bad to her, that everything was done to protect her. But he had still killed Roger.

"You are no less insolent than when I last saw you. I expected you have grown up. Put you petty need for revenge aside to fight for something more important. You can do whatever you wish to me once this is all over."

Lyra pushed down the vulnerable feelings to allow the dark rage to bubble over. "Petty? Hah. I’ve been through too much for you to talk down to me like that, _Father_." Her voice was heavy with sarcasm even as the word stuck on her tongue. "I don't care for your opinion. I am not here to be your puppet as you wage your war on a god while ignoring all the pain and suffering you have caused. I will never, ever forgive you for what you have done. You claim to care about people's freedom yet you ignored that of your own daughter in forcing me here! It is you who ruined my life, you who killed my best friend and forced me to leave my world behind. I may be a child but I have been through so much because of you. I think I am allowed to be angry."

She was shaking as the words spilled out from her lips, leaning heavily on Pan to stop her knees from buckling underneath her. It was all too much. The anger, the hurt, the pain all swirling through her mind. Tears clouded her vision but she wouldn't allow them to fall. Not in front of him.

"I am not the one who ruined your life," Lord Asriel's own expression was stormy and he was now stood. She could see his tension and relished in the effect she was having on him. Good. Let him be angry. "I left you were you were safe! It was you who left Oxford when you should not have. It was you who brought your friend to me when I was waiting for another to use to open my gate. Even when you turned up on my door did I continue to protect you. I have done nothing but protect you, even when I could not spare people to do it! Yet you continue to be ungrateful and disobey me at every turn. No, I am not the one who ruined your life. You have nobody to blame but yourself, Lyra Belacqua."

Lyra winced at the name she had discarded and the words that ate away at her insides. They rang true, things she'd known and considered for so long. But it didn't change anything. It didn’t change the influence he had on it all.

"You think I don't know that I betrayed Roger myself? I e’nt blameless but I e’nt the one that pulled down that blade! You claim to have protected me yet you tore away the only person I had! You are as bad as the people you fight. You are cold hearted and single minded and I will never side with you. I will never, ever fight for you. Not you and not them."

"You do not have a choice," Lord Asriel ground out through clenched teeth and fire filled eyes, face a picture of rage which would have once terrified her. Not anymore. She wasn’t the scared little girl she’d been all those months ago. "You must choose a side."

"No. Will and I are our own side. You have no chance of convincing us otherwise." As she spoke, she felt her anger slip away. Not because she had forgiven him. No, far from it. But because she realised he was not worth such strong emotions. He didn't even deserve that. Roger wouldn't want her to concentrate on the hurt she felt for his death, not when she could correct the wrongs and concentrate on doing what was right. Not when her and Will had a chance to fix everything that the adult’s were messing up.

"You are both too young to know what is good for you. You will see that you must join us. Without our protection you are nothing, just children with toys far too powerful for them to wield."

"We e'nt nothing," Lyra shrugged, backing away to the door even as Lord Asriel took strides towards her. "You know that we e'nt. You told me yourself once."

She heard his sharp intake of breath and smiled slightly. She still remembered the warmth she'd felt when he'd told her she wasn't from nothing. She let herself hold onto it even as she discarded it.

She stopped at the door and looked back at him. Rage filled his features yet there was a tension to his shoulders that resonated a sense of defeat. She could tell this was not how he'd planned this to go. What he'd wanted, she was unsure. There was a hint of something in his gaze that she would have once jumped on. She wouldn't deny, even to herself, that he'd protected her. She knew he had.

For all she said she knew he cared for her, in a way perhaps slightly less twisted than her mother. That did not mean she could forgive him. Just as she could not forgive her.

"Stand with us, and I will try to right the wrongs I caused you," his voice held firm even as sorrow and vulnerability spiked through his features. She forced herself to look away before she gave in to such a strange sight. He really must be desperate. It wasn’t fake, he wouldn’t not stoop to that level. But she didn’t want to see it. "I have not, and will never be, a good father. That doesn't mean I haven't protected you or that I meant to cause you pain. That was never my aim. Join me and help rectify the wrongs of this world. Help me relieve the pain of so many others, Lyra."

She shook her head, weak smile gracing her lips and tears shining in her eyes. She knew what he said was true but she also knew that his ambition was always the forefront. He would say anything to have her on his side, even belittling himself, but discard her if she wasn't needed.

"I considered joining you once, when you offered for me to go into a new world with you to find the origin of dust. I might have agreed then. But I will never join you now. You lost me when you sacrificed Roger. You cannot fix something this broken."

She felt more at peace than she had when they arrived. She let herself look back one last time, taking in the war of emotions in his dark eyes against the contrasting stoniness of his features.

"Goodbye, Father."


End file.
